Alone Again

There was a time in my life when being single was “cool.”  When I think back to those days I realize how simple life seemed.  My job consisted of nothing more than taking care of me.  Although I thought my responsibilities were paramount at the time, in reality they were miniscule compared to that of others, and in particular to what life had in store as I grew older.

Unlike many of my friends, I didn’t stay single long.  I jumped into marriage at an early age.  It’s hard for me to think of a time when I wasn’t married or “the better half of someone else.”  I always maintained a streak of independence to be my own person and do my own thing.  Yet when my marriage ended I felt the emptiness of being on my own once again.

The purpose of this article is not to elaborate on my past relationships but rather to let you know that I have felt the pain of finding myself suddenly single.  In this day and age more and more people experience a period in their lives when they are alone again.  Because of divorce, separation, or death of a spouse some people wake up to the reality that they are no longer a pair.  This reality is wrought with emotion, confusion, and often a feeling of desperation.

The loss of a spouse regardless of how it happens is right up at the top of the list of life’s major stressors.  When you are young it seems to be easier to bounce back.  You have health, vitality, and the stamina you need to pick up the pieces; in essence to survive.  But finding yourself alone later in life can be more difficult.  Some could argue that finding yourself alone again is painful regardless of your age or circumstances; the feelings are the same.

If you can identify with the experience of being suddenly single, you might remember thinking you might never have fun again, or laugh with someone, or feel good about yourself the way you did before. You may feel self conscious to go out to eat alone, or take in a movie, or just go to the beach for a long walk.  I remember taking a book with me so I would have something to do rather than feel conspicuous all by myself. 

Now when I work with people in transition, divorcees, windows, and widowers, I recall the elements that made a difference in my life and offer them to others.  There is no magic formula to moving on, to finding a new way of living, or feeling whole again.  But the elements of survival and eventual happiness have to do with your attitude, your adaptability, and the help you seek along the way.  I found that no matter how self sufficient I thought I was I needed a helping hand to get me by.  Not only did I need it, I depended on it.

There are so many facets to what happens in your life when you find yourself alone again.  It really doesn’t matter who does what in a relationship but when the other person is no longer there to do it, who picks up the pieces?  I have worked with people who had never written a check or balanced a budget.  Others were at a loss as to how to venture outside their home or be happy in their own company.

Sometimes friends, who were in your life when there were two of you, fall by the wayside when you are a party of one.  It is not because you are excluded from the group necessarily but rather by your own choice.  You may feel out of place, or reminded of things you used to do together.  It’s just not the same and so it is easier to withdraw or remove oneself from the reminders of what used to be. 

Losing a spouse for whatever reason may leave you helpless and immobilized.  You may be overcome with grief, rejection, anger, or a combination of all three. Sometimes it’s easier to wallow in self pity than change your way of living.  You first have to recognize that you need help and give yourself permission to ask for it.  My friends offered strengths and guidance that went unnoticed until I needed them the most.     

What was it that my comrades offered to me that made a difference on my road to a new life?  Although I was unaware of their strategy at the time I realize now how effective their approach was to my healing process.  Here in a nutshell are the roles they played and the strengths they offered.

• The Nurturer:  This person allowed me to feel sorry for myself.  She put her arms around me with tenderness and made me feel that everything would be alright.  She was non judgmental, patient, and forgiving.  She laughed with me, cried with me, and took care of me. 
• The Analyst:  This person tried to make sense of things, put facts in order, and give me a reason to understand why.  She was sensible, level headed, and gave me a perspective I would not have had otherwise.  Hers was the voice of reason in a very troubled time.
• The Free Spirit:  This person balanced out the Nurturer.  She would have no pity party, not while she was around.  I was directed to get my nose out of self help books and get into something fun and exciting.  With her nudging me along I had fun again, went on vacation, and found I could make it on my own.
• The On Site Director:  This person saw what I could not.  She gave me help in picking up pieces that were hard for me to do by myself.  With her assistance I moved the action forward.  She would drag me out of the house, make plans to go somewhere, help me make decisions that were so very difficult to make at the time.

Maybe you can identify with one or more of the personalities described here depending on your life and what resonates with you.  Help comes in many ways and from different sources.  Don’t be afraid to reach out, open yourself up to new experiences, dare to be different, change your way of doing things, or reinvent yourself.  It doesn’t matter what you do.  What does matter is taking the first step to moving on with your life.  

I like to call it my “One Step Approach” to feeling better.  Simply take one step at a time and you’ll be surprised how it leads to another, then another.  You’ve heard the expression “take one day at a time”, well this is no different.  One step can mean a phone call to a friend, family member, therapist, or life coach.  Life is too short to waste on looking back and dwelling on the past.  Get up and get going.
You might just be surprised that the best is really yet to come!

Your Healthy Life Coach,
Dale Brown, B.S., M.A., C.E.C.

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