Your Mind...Friend or Foe?
The power of your mind is an amazing thing. It has the capacity to make you feel happy or sad at any given time. It can create confusion and uncertainty when it doesn’t exist. It can influence your behavior to the extent that people are either attracted or repelled by you. It can make you appear confident or unsure, friendly or aloof, likeable or repulsive. Your mind can sabotage your achievements and stand in the way of your dreams.
When your mind conjures up its own outcome, I call it “creating your own reality”. How many times has this happened to you? Let me tell you about a client whose experience is a good example of how the mind fabricates a reality that doesn’t exist.
When Gina moved from Connecticut to the west coast of Florida she looked forward to a life style for which she had always dreamed. She worked hard all her life and now it was time for her to play tennis, golf, mahjong, and enjoy all the pleasures a country club community has to offer. “My life is perfect!” is the way she described her new found happiness.
But not all was perfect after a few months. It seems Gina was having difficulty making and keeping friends. During our first phone call this is what she told me.
“I began playing tennis with three ladies who took lessons two times a week. We played in tournaments and became friends. But lately I seem to be left out of the inner circle. I told them I wanted to join them for tennis lessons and to be a part of their group. When I didn’t hear back I tried calling and ended up leaving a voice message. But I never heard back.”
By our second phone call a few weeks later, Gina’s mind had run wild with reasons why she had been excluded from the group. She saw herself as irritating and believed she was to blame for how she was being treated. She recalled other instances where she had been overlooked. She jumped to the conclusion that everything that happened was nothing more than intentional.
Since she had not taken steps to solve the mystery, Gina continued to agonize over what to do next. “Should I confront all three or call one person hoping to get a straight answer? Maybe I should just move on and forget about it”.
Gina had created an experience of reality that was purely subjective producing feelings that were as real as if her thoughts were true. As it turned out she chose to hold her “friends” at arms length and keep her thoughts to herself. She continued to feel estranged and very much an outcast. She turned to golf to create a new circle of friends and tried to forget the unpleasant experience with her former tennis buddies. Three months down the road Gina found herself on a committee face to face with one of the women from the tennis group.
When Gina called to share the rest of her story with me I was not surprised.
“You’ll never guess what happened? I was asked to go to lunch by the tennis lady; the one I thought was making trouble for me. I found out my suspicions were all in my head. We got along great and it was all a misunderstanding. I’m going to start playing with the three of them next week. I spent all that time stressing when I could have been on the tennis courts.”
So often time and energy is wasted on issues that have no basis in reality, other than in your mind. You lose sleep thinking of what might be. You obsess over what someone is thinking or saying about you behind your back. Your thoughts become so real that you actually believe them. Your mind plays the “what if” game and provides answers that may or may not come true.
What can you do to make your mind your friend? How can you keep it from running in a million different directions and creating a reality all its own? Here are a few suggestions:
Communication – Never underestimate the value of communication and the art of listening. Knowing is better than not knowing even if you don’t like what you heard. You can agree to disagree. So many friendships and relationships are threatened due to the lack of communication. Make the move to be the one who reaches out. What’s the worst that can happen? You might find out where you stand.
Awareness - First become aware that you are letting your mind create an unknown outcome. It’s like worrying about something before you know what you are worrying about. For instance, you go to the doctor and while waiting for your results your mind reeks havoc with your emotions…cancer, gall stones, diabetes, or hypertension. Then you get your results and everything is normal; all the worry for what?
Turn it off – You might not be able to turn off your mind completely but you can make a choice to let it rest until the facts are known. Learn to choose your thoughts instead of letting your mind lead you astray. When your mind begins to wander change your environment, go for a walk, listen to music, call a friend, meditate, or read a book. Wait to get the whole story before you react.
Share it – If you think your mind is working overtime, talk to someone else about what you are thinking. It helps to keep you in check as well as the other person. The term “creating your own reality” has become a household word within my circle of friends. When you notice it happening in the mind of someone else, your own awareness is heightened.
Stay Positive – When you allow your mind to think negative thoughts you attract negativity. When you create a negative outcome in your mind it is more likely to happen. When you think negatively about others you only hurt yourself. When you think negatively about yourself you attack the fiber of your existence.
William Shakespeare once said, “We are trampled most often by forces we ourselves create.” There are enough influences today to be concerned about. Let’s not let our minds create more adversity than what life deals out. Refocus your mind in the direction you want it to go to create the experience you want to happen. Turn your mind into a friend not an enemy!
Your Healthy Life Coach,Dale Brown, B.S., M.A., C.E.C.